I meant to make my weekly post on Monday but ran out of time. The same thing happened Tuesday and then yesterday morning I received some tragic news that immediately took over what I was going to post. That said, it’s take me a bit of time to process my thoughts and feelings. Well, I imagine I’ll be processing them for a while.
I found out that my friend Laura (known as “GunslingerPadme” online in most places) took her own life in May.
MAY?
What kind of friend am I that I didn’t notice I hadn’t heard from my friend in 3 months?
Well, I actually had noticed but I assumed that she had taken a social media hiatus – we all do that, and of course, I would never have thought that this would or could happen!
I knew that Laura was unhappy. I knew she was bi-polar. I knew she had many health problems, but I also knew that she was seeing a doctor regularly. I knew that she was taking her meds. I knew she was doing everything in her power to cope, that she was fighting hard to get better, and I thought she was getting better.
Or maybe I just hoped she was.
Or maybe I just can’t understand what it’s like to be bi-polar or have the mental & health issues Laura clearly was suffering through.
I know she tried to help me (and everyone else) understand – she created a public blog where she wrote everything she was feeling, going through RIGHT THEN, to help people understand what it was like to be bi-polar. She stopped posting in it in April. I thought perhaps it was because she didn’t feel like she needed it anymore.
I can see now that perhaps she stopped posting there because she felt like she couldn’t cope anymore.
I feel like I terrible friend.
I feel like I should have seen the signs. In hind site I can see them perfectly. Her hospital visits were happening more often, and for longer stays. It was like she had a terminal illness. I just didn’t see it at the time.
I know this isn’t my fault. I know that I didn’t cause Laura to take her own life, but I also can’t help but sit here wondering, “Is there more that I could have done? Could I have seen something? Maybe warned her dad? Maybe talked her out of it? Maybe if I’d been a better friend…”
I don’t know. Probably not. But now I’ll never know.
Here’s the thing, for anyone who has ever read anything I’ve ever written and liked it you’ve got Laura to thank.
She was the ONLY person I let read the completed 1st draft of my first published novel, War of the Seasons, book 1: The Human. (many people read chapters as I wrote, etc, but she was the only one I gave the completed first draft to to have at it with a pink pen (she refused to use a red pen)).
She was a kind, yet effective Alpha reader/editor. She was passionate about my stories and she believed, no matter how bad my writing was, that they were worth telling and that I would eventually be able to refine my craft and write a good book. She helped shape The Human and encouraged me to keep on writing no matter how much I felt like quitting.
She even got me to read my one and only Stephen King book (the time travel one about JFK) – she was probably the biggest Stephen King fan I knew.
Laura was an amazing costumer. The amount of time and effort she spent researching a costume was astounding, and she rocked anything she wore. She owned it.
She gave of herself fully – she was a kind, loyal, and devoted friend.
She never made it to Dragon*Con, but she always planned to go. I always wanted her to. We all did. She participated in her own way though – she trolled the internet for pictures of all of us while we were there and posted them for us when we got back.
She loved Doctor Who (her newest fandom) and LOOOOOOVED Star Wars. And well, all things geeky for that matter.
I got to see her when I’d go to Louisville for Abbey Road on the River, except last year. Last year she was in the hospital again. 
And now I selfishly struggle with knowing that I won’t receive my novels from her with post it notes and pink pen corrections all over everything.
No more AROTR visits.
No more Dragon*Con costume posts from her.
No more of her reassuring comments that I’m a good mom/good person/good writer…
No more of her beautiful costumes.
No more Laura.
I found out from Laura’s father, kind, wonderful man. The best, most supportive dad a girl could have. He messaged me – thank goodness for social media.
…I found the second story you sent her. I had it printed up and spiral bound so that she could go thru and red mark it like she did the first.
It has just been lying around. You had been such a good friend to Laura that I googled and facebooked your name.
Laura took her own life on May 3rd. She had been having a very difficult time with her bi-polar issues and all the other tags that tthe Drs had attached. She left a note. It really was that she couldn’t live like she was any more. Her meds had begun/continued to interact and there was no clear way to…. survive.
I miss her. I miss her every day. I really don’t know how to do this at all. Or even if I want to.
Maybe you can include a Laura character in one of your next books. She would like that.
Thank you again for your kindness to Laura and for being an important model for her. SHe always admired you.
Laura is an important part of War of the Seasons. She always will be.
More than that, she is my friend, and always will be.
Below song as performed by Marie Digby
In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
Of what I’ve done
Start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
Of what I’ve done
Laura,
I truly hope you found the happiness & peace you were so desperately seeking. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you.
I miss you. I love you,
Janine
Below song as performed by Priscilla Ahn, Dream
I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I’m old and feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell. I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
Tags: death, first draft, memorial, the human, wots
What a beautiful, sad, and touching tribute to your friend.
Beautiful tribute to a missing piece of your life. I know she will be sorely missed and when you see a post-it note, I’m sure you will think of her with love. I didn’t even know her, but I won’t soon forget her. God Bless you and most especially her Dad.
Beautiful….. Laura was my cousin and cherished friend. I didn’t realize you had such a personal connection with Laura. Thank you for the tribute. You say a lot of the things we all feel. Laura is a beautiful soul that will be missed.
Laura’s dad sent me this link to read this beautiful tribute. Laura was a very special person and Iwill always miss her smile and laughter. You are a talented writer and I am thankful you chose to write about Laura.sksa
You are in my prayers.
I have not yet read your books, just found them on Amazon, but it referred me here, where I just read about your friend. When I read about your feelings of guilt, I just had to write to you. You see, I suffer from depression-not the same as your friend, exactly, as I only get the lows and the med side-effects-but I have been at, or very close to, the point of suicide myself. Hell, I am almost there right now, because of some personal crap. The thing is, and the reason I wish you would be a little easier on yourself, is that the closer I get to swallowing the pills, or getting out the blade, or whatever, the less likely I am to talk about it. Of course, I don’t talk about it when things are good, either, which means it is easy for me to hide when I am at my lowest-because I DON’T want any help. When I am that low-as I was once, and only someone calling me and catching that something weird was going on (he knew me pretty well, and realized I was saying goodbye) and threatened to go get my husband. The friend was in Submarine School for the U S Navy, and my husband’s submarine was on the same base. I had planned the whole thing out: do some shopping, so the hubby wouldn’t have to worry about it for a while, then still have at least 8 hours before anyone would find me, so there would be no stomach pumping or anything. Actually, the friend, who I will just name by initials, CF, threatened to go UA-Unauthorized Abscence, which is like AWOL, for any readers who don’t know, to come and stop me. CF is gone now; there was a misunderstanding between us, and I lost the friendship, and, last I heard, he was stationed in Bremerton, WA, but I still owe him my life. I am pretty sure that, if not for his phone call that day, I would have died. Things are pretty bad again now; the meds don’t seem to be working, and I can’t seem to want them to anymore. But my heart-sister is living with us now, and now I have a little girl to raise. I just have to keep reminding myself that even a slightly screwed-up mother is better than none. My point is that, even if you had been in contact with your friend almost every day, you still might not have caught on, because if she was that determined, she would have been hiding it from everyone. I know that all people are different, and she may have been nothing like me. But I am willing to bet that she would NOT want you to blame yourself; She sounds like a person who would want you to remember the best things about her, and try to forgive her for leaving you. Sometimes emotional pain, just like physical pain, can just be too much. I hope this helps a little.
Janine, what a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing. I have to think maybe someone who is struggling like Laura did might come across this and realize they have their own Janine who is there for them. And you know that might not be enough to “save” them, but it doesn’t mean your friendship, your love, means any less.
Of course we so seldom know what’s going on in others’ lives, whether we know them casually or closely. You just felt this blow and yet came to Dragon*Con and were so friendly and smiling the few times I saw you (mainly at the charity auction).
So hugs to you, and true appreciation for your kindness and friendship to Laura and others!
I am so sorry, for you, for her family, and most especially for her. It’s a terrible loss on so many levels. My deepest condolences.